There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
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