I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize
