put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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