worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Randomize
