Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
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