Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
