i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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