Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
As shirtless as possible
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Randomize
