I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
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