I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
