well I can't set my house on fire every night
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
