So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
