just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
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But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
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Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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