I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
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