I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
