Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
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