You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize