What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
