Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
