mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
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