the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
We were destined to go to rehab together
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Randomize
