ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
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wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
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I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
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