complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
How drunk are you?
Completed.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
