Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
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