I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Randomize
