It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
