Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
