Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Randomize
