i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
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