I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
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