Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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