babies were throwing up all over the place
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
