Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
