Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Randomize
