We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
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