my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Randomize
