everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
