he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
