Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
