yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
