i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Randomize
