from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
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