I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
