True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
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you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
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Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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