I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Randomize
