The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
