Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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