I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
