i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
You pole danced in your parka.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
