Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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