im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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