apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Randomize
