Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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