Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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