I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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