How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
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