I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
