i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
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